


The story of a faceless girl

by Kara_luna



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anger, Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, self violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 07:09:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19194142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kara_luna/pseuds/Kara_luna
Summary: The real story of a girl who is surrounded by noise, expectations, and pressure. Someone who has fallen so far, she no longer knows if she can crawl back out of the hole she's dug. The desperation of a dreamer and head that belongs in the clouds, she tells her story in the hopes that someone somewhere may read it and find solace in knowing that they are not alone. Pain hurts the most when you think that you are the only who understands it's inescapable hold, when there are so many who will share your burden if only they could see it was there.





	The story of a faceless girl

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My family](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+family).



Once upon a time, there was a woman and a man who loved each other dearly. 

They married and bought a house for the first child they planned to have, so naturally, they would take the largest bedroom and the empty three would be left for other uses. A little girl was born first, given the second largest bedroom that had become a nursery, sitting in wait quietly for the day of her birth. Let's name the little bundle of warmth, Emma.

Emma was followed soon after by the preparation of a second nursery, leading to a pregnancy once again. One bedroom full of honeymoon bliss, the next a swaddled infant, then a room painted blue for the awaited second-born, finally a third and final guest bedroom for visitors. 9 months were short in comparison to the families excitement, and a perfect baby boy was born, Jake. All was right with the family's small little world, two parents and two children, one boy and one girl, perfect.

Then something changed, and the woman visited her doctor to find the issue that forced vomit from her throat in the morning, and pain to ebb in her abdomen at night. "Congratulations, you're pregnant." There was no time like they had before, to remodel the room to a child's room and prepare for such an event. They had another girl in the months that followed, a girl they did not plan or need. They had a daughter already, a perfect beautiful daughter, they didn't need another. 

So little Ava asked one day, "Papa, was I a mistake?" She was told, "Your mother had always wanted more children, had always wanted many children." Satisfied, she hadn't realized back then that her father hadn't answered her question. She now knows why he didn't. Because her papa knew.  
The.  
Answer.  
Would.  
Break.  
Her.  
Because this is not a fairytale, little girl. There is no happy ending for you, little girl. You are nothing special in a world full of color, little girl. Because you are dirty gray and mud brown in the swirls of light and vibrancy, little girl. Because you were broken, to begin with, little girl.

Ava lived in the shadow of a sister she would never be able to compete with. She lived, staring into the locked door of her brother's room, a door that once swung open as they raced the halls playing pirates and mercenaries.

She lives in a world where she puts her everything into all her actions, all her movements, all she does and it doesn't ever matter. She was a soccer player with potential, but not like her sister, an athlete who will be scouted because she is a special kind of talented. Her sister who can play more instruments than Ava can count on her fingers, speak fluent Spanish, sing like an angel, act like a professional, and shine where Ava was dull and bland. 

Ava could have been someone, something, anything. If she hadn't been born to that family. She could have been a special kind of talented if there wasn't an Emma there to mute every achievement and coax tears from her eyes every night that she considers everyone she will NEVER be ENOUGH for. Everyone she disappoints every day by just existing, they didn't need to tell her that she was a second rate imitation of her sister, she could see it clear as day in their eyes every time they looked at her. 

But it was okay. That's what she said to herself, it's okay, it doesn't hurt, I'm fine, it doesn't hurt, I'm fine, it does-  
It doesn't hurt.  
Because the truth would break her.  
So white lies flooded her mind time and time again because she had to be fine. She had to.

There was no one watching her, not while her sister was there in the same school as her, keeping their attention. So no one saw, this isn't a fairytale and this isn't a tv show. So no one questioned bandages and no one questioned cuts and no one questioned when she cut herself with her razor while shaving her legs. Even though she cut her wrist with it. The pain hurt, but that was okay because pain was a feeling. She felt something. Who cares what emotion it was! It was something, and when your desperate, anything is better than nothing. 

That's how Ava grew up, that's how she still is, that's how she'll stay. Because people have this misconception that depression is caused by bullying and being sad. Spoiler alert; It's not. It's looking at the calendar and wondering where December went. It's being too tired after school to go out with friends. It's being in a crowd and feeling so so alone. It's trying to make friends and constantly have insecurities broadcasted on repeat in your head the entire time.

Because why is it so hard? Why does everyone else just CLICK? But you don't. Your the only one who doesn't. Everyone else has friends and they click together so well, their so close to each other, There. Is. No. Room. Left. for. You. It's giving up on trying because you've welcomed the fact that there is no one in this school who would choose to be your friend when they have so many options, it's wanting nothing more than to be loved because your you. And accepting that you will NEVER know what that feels like.  
B  
E  
C  
A  
U  
S  
E

Y  
O  
U  
R

N  
O  
T

E  
N  
O  
U  
G  
H

But it's okay, it doesn't hurt, your fine, it's okay, it doesn't hurt, I'm fine.

It's sinking, bubbles cascading around your limbs as the water swallows you whole, drifting towards the sand. You can't swim so you scream. You scream, "Oh please, god, someone HELP ME! I'm dying, I'm crying, it hurts so so so bad, please someone help me I can't do it anymore please I'm dying please it hurts so much it hurts help me me me me me me me... please

You scream until your voice is covered by the thrashing of waves and your lungs fill with seawater, you scream and scream and scream begging for someone anyone please please just help me. But no one ever does, right? The more you scream the more air leaves your bloodstream and your lips turn blue, the more you scream the heavier your eyes become and the more the darkness at the edge of your vision creeps closer. 

You scream until you have nothing left to give, and then you sink. Your back makes contact with the rocky sands of the sea under you and you gaze up into the sunlight streaming across the water's surface SO far away. The water's darker here, a cerulean where your first contact with the water was a swirl of aquamarine. It's still 

beautiful, it's still numb. But it's okay now. As the feeling leaves your limbs you think that it's okay now because you stopped feeling the pain of emptiness. You're filled with peace as you resign your fate because some things are just not worth fighting for. Just like you.

He's here with his scythe and cloak, but you can't see him, you imagine he looks like the storybook pictures because you realize even now there are some things you'd rather never see with your eyes. Death is something you'd rather not look in the face as you lie there dying on the ocean's floor, to realize the life you could have had if you had fought it, that you could have married, could have lived, could have learned to drive a car, could have done so much if you hadn't given up. 

You don't want to see death and realize how much you regret and how much you hate yourself for stealing such a life from you. So many possibilities, so many things you could have been. And now you will never see what you will become, because your too busy lying on a bed that was always two sizes too small in your half-painted bedroom, rivers of blood pouring from your wrists and glassy eyes staring at the ceiling of a house that didn't feel like and perhaps never was, HOME.

Ava didn't want that ending, she knew she wasn't the kind of person who got a happily ever after, trust me SHE KNEW. But maybe... Maybe she could find contentedness. Maybe she could find an ending with hope, maybe not happiness, but the hope she could one day find that... It was worth dreaming, wasn't it? Emma would forever steal the world's attention and leave her lonely. Jake would forever shut her out and leave her behind. And her father would forever look at her with those eyes that saw only the wall behind her, and leave her invisible. But she had been through it before. She had felt it all before. She could survive, not live, but survive. And that would be enough.

Enough. E-nou-gh. It wasn't enough, was it? Convince herself otherwise and things will be easier. But it's not enough. How can it be enough when she has never been enough. It wasn't her sister, it wasn't her brother, it was her father that made it not enough.

She lost her mother to cancer at 11, her father was meant to care for her as his child, he was meant to make things BETTER. Mothers can't be replaced, but the hole they leave can be mended, sadly it seems her father was too busy to realize that she couldn't do the stitches herself. Not when there was no one that cared enough to teach her how. Her father was the only one she couldn't forgive because the day her mother died she didn't just lose her mamá. She lost her papa as well. So scared of being selfish, she gives and she gives and she gives, scolded every time she asks if she can keep something for herself, and one day she would run out of happiness to give away. Why can no one see? She's fading away....

 

Just see me, papa. That's all i have EVER WANTED. Just. See. Me. Please, I need you to see me, because I don't know how much I can live with the way you stare through me. I don't know how much more of it I can take. Your staring right at me and all you can see is my sister, all you can see is your grief, and I'm terrified. Because what if you decide that you don't ever want to see me again, what happens then? I'd have nothing. My family IS my everything, I have no one, and god how I wish that was a lie. I wish I had someone, anyone, I wish I had someone to hold me and love me and tell me everything's gonna be okay and I wish I felt something and I wish people saw me and I wish I was enough AND I WISH I FELT SOMETHING AND I WASNT FADING IT HURTS AND IT HURTS NAD IT NEEDS TO STOOP CAUSE IM DYIUNG AJND ITS DSSTROYING MYS WORFSDS UNTL NO ONES CANBS UNDERSTAVSFDS THEBM-

Ava lives in a state of panic. She lived in a state of panic. Didn't you get the phone call? Ava wouldn't be coming to school today. Ava is  
D  
e a  
d.


End file.
